Freewill vs Choices

The past, like the future , is indefinite and exists only as a spectrum of possibilitiesStephen Hawking    

This is a good quote to end the year with since I still do not know  what true nature of reality is.

All I know is another year is ending and it is elusive to think that I have freewill. Nonetheless I am still responsible for the choices I make in how I spend my time. It is urgent that I regroup and get my act together if I want to do more writing. You need to possess  an immense size of resolve to get out of all the trappings of modern living so as to focus on what you want and need to do for yourself. You can so easily let all the time slip by and hours are wasted. I have to be more mindful of all those thoughts that can be so affecting and distracting. I cannot get some things done quickly if I feel resentful.In that way, I lose a lot of time. Some things have to be done and it is simply pointless resisting. It is a matter of accepting the situation, get on and over with the tasks unless I have a magic wand and whizz them away. There are times when anger helps me to focus but mostly not. It is a matter of getting the right emotional balance to move on. I know it is best to not think and just do it. When that does not work, a cup of coffee definitely helps if it is not taken too late in the day. How I used to be able to have an espresso in the evening and still sleep well, it is no longer the case. A good night’s sleep is much needed to stay calm.

Since the pandemic, for someone who used to love  accessorizing according to the occasion, I found myself working through the same set of clothes, casual wear and shawls for a couple of years. You  realise that you have a full wardrobe of clothing that you could have worked with much less. Though I may not have felt the need to be on-trend as items that I am attracted to are either classic, quaint or simply avant-garde, mostly they are durable but not all of them are necessarily so. I do not know if I was even thinking of being ahead of the pack but I definitely love to have a bit of fun with dressing up or dressing down.

But then I have always been drawn to aesthetics, call me shallow, that is fine. We know that life has its ups and downs, that is just how it is but beauty makes you feel better. Of course style is entirely personal so you dress what pleases you. Now that we are allowed to be with people face-to-face and not on screen, everyone seems to be out on the street with a vengeance.At times, I do miss the quiet and tranquility when there were fewer cars and motorists on the road. In the past, when I was on the move due to work, errands and commitments , I found myself acquiring more stuff in the state of busyness, may be it was just instant gratification or plain indulgence. Mostly I still love most of these random pieces of garments and things I have picked up over the years . Perhaps I could even justify these excesses that consumerist culture is what moves the economy but how to justify all that wastage not just in terms of money spent, it is also about the environment when you need to discard some of the less durable items.You hope that you had purchased these items from some clothing entrepreneurs that had not exploited the cheap cost of production in some sweatshops in the less developed part of the world. To make you feel better, you give away to charity and thrift shops some reasonably good pieces. Years ago, I was doing French lessons with a native French speaker. She told me that the finds at these thrift shops could be amazing. Incidentally I was so grateful when she picked up a fabulous pair of ski pants for a song, had them cleaned and gifted me.They fitted me perfectly and I had worn them on the odd skiing trips that I was doing with my family at the time.

Do you want to be young again? I ask myself.

Yes Why not ? If I could do it all over again now that I think I know what matters more to me. On second thought  maybe not. Actually I do not really know. Guess I am fickle and mind is changeable.

What if you could travel through time back and forth, do you think you would like that? I cannot imagine living without modern amenities and the Internet. I cannot imagine living without smart phone but I think that is how I have lost so much time just scrolling through pictures, checking in, texting and reading stuff randomly. Most people have adapted to the new norm where one is required to wear masks, I find that mask wearing definitely affects my thinking ability. Let us hope that things will brighten up soon and masks are no longer needed in 2022.

The Door that led to Where by Sally Gardner is a young adult mystery novel about sixteen- year-old AJ Flynn who has to go back in time to make sense of the present. Flynn has only one GCSE, his future is looking far from rosy. He is not happy at home as his mother finds him a disappointment and is critical of him. He does not enjoy school for he feels that he is forced to learn subjects that he lacks interest in. He goes to the library after school to read the classics such as Dickens and that explains why he has scored A* for English Lit. His mother gets him an interview at a London law firm and he is offered a junior clerk position at the firm. His life is about to change as he starts working at Baldwin and Gray as a trainee clerk. One day at the firm, AJ  is asked to tidy up the archive and there he comes across an old key, mysteriously labelled with his name and date of birth 2nd October 1996. He thus becomes determined to find the door that fits the key. He meets an old professor who asks him to look for a lintel in an old wall. Based on a map found in a file, he finds himself walking through a waste ground that used to be a car park. He then begins an amazing journey to the streets of Clerkenwell in 1830, where the streets are replaced with cobbles and carts, and the law can be twisted to suit a villain’s means. Life in 1830 is tough but not unlike the present days.

In 1830, AJ and his friends, Slim and Leon quickly find that their own lives have much more value. They’ve gone from sad and hopeless youth statistics to young men with purpose – and they find themselves adjusting to life without smart phone and modern amenities. AJ is an avid reader and he is knowledgeable about what happens in history so he advise those in 1830 not to worry much about certain outbreak . AJ finds out that it was his grandfather, old Jobey who first went through the door and he discovered that one could profit handsomely by trading with the future. He took a partner , a Mr Samuel Dalton and started to break every rule.

There are rules ?’

Every game has its rules, Mr Jobey,’said Mr Stone.’And it is a rule of time travel that you do not do business with the future. It is forbidden.’

Who by?’ asked AJ.

By gravity, by the laws of physics.The future has, by tis very nature, to remain unwritten, always to be a blank page. When your grandfather handed the key to your father, Lucas, it was already too late. His fate and the fate of his family were sealed. And there lies the sorrow.’

-The Door that led to Where , Sally Gardner

AJ is told that his father was murdered and an innocent girl was sent to the gallows for killing the Jobey family. The story is fast paced and there are many characters as the story spans between 1830 and the present day. As the story progresses, there lies a crime only AJ and his friends can solve. The Door that led to Where is a delightful read. Its author, Sally Gardner is a multi-award-winning novelist whose work has been translated into more than twenty-two languages. She lives in North London, an area that features in the story. Gardner‘s writing is described as genre-defying. She lives in North London, an area that features in the book. Thanks to the Internet, I understand that the author ‘grew up amongst the drama of London’s law courts, as both her parents were lawyers. Having been branded ‘unteachable’ by some and sent to various schools, Sally was eventually diagnosed at the age of twelve as being severely dyslexic. Sally is now an avid spokesperson for dyslexia; she sees it a gift, not a disability, and is passionately trying to change how dyslexics are perceived by society.’


London 31st December 2014


2 thoughts on “Freewill vs Choices

  1. Lol, I too am stuck between enjoying aesthetics but defaulting to a capsule wardrobe (or even any wardrobe) during the pandemic. It’s been black tees for me for years now. And I so agree that these devices are just taking time away from what really matters to me, one of them—like you—being writing. Here’s to writing much, much more in 2022!


    1. Happy 2022 !! YES to much more writing and reading. Thanks for reading 🙂


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