In August 2011 I finally caught up with a friend from the varsity after we had lost touch for almost twenty years. I read the book “Hector And the Search of Happiness ” by Francois Lelord on my flight to Hongkong where this friend was based then. The book is a delightful read, its writing is simplistic yet profound as it gives a fair description of human conditions and their behaviour. Hector is a psychiatrist and he treats patients who are not really ill but they are generally unhappy because they are dissatisfied with their lives. He sets out on a journey to find out about what happiness means. As he travels from Paris to China to Africa to the United States, through the people he meets, he makes up a list of his observations and theories about happiness .I guess what the author has propounded is nothing new but something we often overlook and need to be reminded about.
We want to be happy so we seem to be doing everything possible to steer ourselves to happiness. How do we define happiness? Happiness is an elusive term. In broad terms, happiness means bliss and contentment. The antonym of happiness is sadness. But one can be not unhappy nor sad so I feel if we can be neither unhappy nor sad, we should be doing OK.
If you start off a day feeling on top of the world and then some unpleasant incident at work somehow tips you off balance, will you let the incident ruin your day or will you brush it off as you are fully aware that all these hitches are part and parcel of your daily life? Perhaps if one is a happy person or one is neither unhappy nor sad , one will not dwell on such hiccups however if one is an unhappy person, the incidents may add on to the list of things which make the person unhappy. Is it really simply our state of mind ?
If someone is inclined to find faults in everything, we say he or she could be a perfectionist. Could the person be otherwise a happy person if he or she is less of a perfectionist? We describe people as the happy go lucky type if they seem to take things in their stride and hardly get anxious about anything and they are a contrast from those who appear to be anxious and worrisome all the time. Perhaps people who have perfectionist tendencies would typically be the worrying type and they feel so goal oriented that they lose their perspectives. Perfectionists or goal oriented people see the goal and nothing else and they are so concerned about meeting the targets that they cannot enjoy the process. They can be highly critical and only spot mistakes and flaws and they expect nothing less than “perfection” so even “almost perfect” is seen as failure.
But who is the judge? Surely we must realise that we may do better if we can see how pointless it is to beat ourselves up much more and wallow in negative feelings when we feel we have not attained our goals.
Just like the word “happiness”, I find the word “perfection” another ELUSIVE term. We describe someone a perfectionist or a high achiever when he or she will demand ‘perfection’ or ‘ top ranking ‘ in all things and it would mean uncompromising and in all likelihood their measure of success will have to be what is socially applauded or globally lauded.
Can we not chase after goals which we believe will make us happy without getting ourselves all wound up trying to achieve these goals?
Sometimes we can be deluded about what actually makes us happy or the reasons for our unhappiness. Happiness seems like a big word yet we wish everyone happiness on the commencement of a brand new year or on their birthdays. Maybe we should not attach too much significance to the term. How wonderful if we could think about nothing and we just carry on being happy or not unhappy.Needless to say, we must identify a few pleasures in life that give us joy otherwise our lives will be miserable as we go about our daily grinds. But not absolutely necessary so if we can find our centre and be grounded.
As the metaphor goes, a glass can be half full or half empty. Let us say A thinks that a glass which is half filled with liquid is half full while B thinks that the glass is half empty. Does that make B a less happy person than A or A is just a positive thinking person? Maybe.
Given a set of circumstances, it would be interesting to note how everyone will view the situation from their own point of view. It is all a matter of perception from one’s personal experience. How we see things depend on our awareness and sensitivity but not everyone shares the same degree of awareness and sensitivity towards a situation. We tend to be attracted to likeminded people whom we share similar outlook and humour but ultimately we are all alone and yet together in one consciousness.
One’s perception can be a delusion to another person if the latter does not see what the former sees. However if we are open minded enough, we may just catch a glimpse of another person’s perception and vaguely understand how it can be viewed in a different light because most matters are indefinable. Sometimes we may be all talking about the same thing but in different words or we appear to be speaking about the same thing but we actually do not mean the same thing. Words help us to express our sentiments and our views, but we need to keep our hearts open to all possibilities .
We are alone in what we are experiencing as we all possess separate minds and unless we can get into each other’s minds we can never tell what we are experiencing are like what everyone else is experiencing. As human beings we experience love and loss throughout our lives but we will not really know the extent of joy or sadness each of us really feel. We think we empathize and understand each other’s sadness and happiness by measuring against our personal experience or expectations . So we assume another person’s sense of happiness based on our own experience and we also want to avoid unhappiness by trying to plan our future.
Daniel Gilbert, a psychologist wrote in his book “ Stumbling On Happiness” that how faulty our human memory is and we tend to imagine our future based on our current state of mind and he also wrote that our perception of happiness could be distorted.Some people have moved from one job or a place to another thinking that there is a wider horizon and perhaps for improved earnings or greater control over the direction of their career path or their children’s future. We all like to think that when we get there, we will be happy. We worry about the future. According to Daniel Gilbert, the Professor of Psychology at Harvard University, “The human being is the only animal that thinks about the future.” (page 4 “Stumbling On Happiness”). Apparently a particular part of the brain known as the frontal lobe which sits at the front of our heads empowers healthy human adults with the capacity to consider the future.
So we have the ability to conjure our imaginary tomorrows. However according to Professor Gilbert, we could be imagining the future based on now.
When I was in primary school decades ago, one of the common topics for essays writing was :“ What do you want to be when you grow up?” It sounded like a trick question but it obviously was not. Maybe the teachers wanted their students to start thinking about their future hence the title of the essay. As a child, we only had our parents’ and teachers’ professions to emulate, the scope of our imaginary tomorrows might have been limited. How can a child imagine what he or she wants to be when he grows up? We get a chuckle if a child says he wants to be a fireman or one of those characters he watches on television and we will not take him seriously.
Stumbling On Happiness is written with humour and it is not a self-help book. A commendable read.
We cannot help thinking about the future. During our senior year at the middle school, my class put up an amateurish mime based on the common theme: “ Where do we go from here? What are our dreams? What do we want to achieve ?” Now that I am a parent, I still do not have the answers. I do not think we must have the answers because the answers may be beyond us and I believe that we might not be able to get the answers right away or we may never even know the answers in our lifetime. Nonetheless we have to carry on living and make the best of our lives and be meditative in order to strike a balance which I find can be a tall order in the modern world where technology is moving at a speed that is beyond humanly possible seemingly.
I feel compelled to quote the following words from the famous commencement speech by Steve Jobs, a visionary and an icon.
“Your time is limited so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma, which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”In his speech, Steve Jobs also said,
“Of course, it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward. You can only connect them looking backwards, so you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future.”
While we can certainly relate to that statement now that some of us are compelled or choose to work remotely so long as we have a computer and wifi connection, technology is the double-edged sword as many of us must have come to realize that.
The full text of Seve Jobs’ 2005 Stanford Commencement Address can be found at the following links:-
(This is an old post from Coffee Chocolate or Tennis with some touch-ups.)